Tag: Humor

Germany, part 2: The Wurst Is Yet To Come

As I recall, you left me in a Munich beer garden, making short work of a litre of beer and a head-sized hunk of roast pork. Well, eventually I was carried to a car where I spent an hour, like a cat with butter on its paws, licking the grease from my face. And by … Continue reading Germany, part 2: The Wurst Is Yet To Come

Germany, part 1: Both Kinds Of Munich

In the gloom of a carpark near Munich’s central station, I held my breath and peered into the shadows. To my right, closer than I’d expected, I heard the metallic click of a cigarette lighter. In the sudden flare appeared the pallid, theatrically downcast face of my German contact. Through a cloud of smoke, he … Continue reading Germany, part 1: Both Kinds Of Munich

The Vancouver The Guidebooks WON’T Tell You About!

Maybe I’ve got it all wrong. Sitting in a driveway, waiting for a bag to arrive. This is my day. Deep, deep in the suburbs of Vancouver, on a tidy treelined street, quiet and motionless in the mid afternoon, smell of cut grass, gas stains on the cement; skies are dismal, occasional weak sunshine peers … Continue reading The Vancouver The Guidebooks WON’T Tell You About!

Fighting Vainly The Old Ennui…

At the window of my suite in the Citadines hotel, I yawned and looked out across the square at clutches of elderly Parisians huddling in fear as gangs of shouting, spitting teenagers slouched by. They call it a suite because in a sort of alcove off the bedroom there’s a sink with a hotplate next … Continue reading Fighting Vainly The Old Ennui…

Running Around in Circles

On one of those disorienting days between Christmas and New Year I circumnavigated a local park in an attempt to keep my indolent, sulky winter blood circulating. A damp grey mist draped itself listlessly about the bare, frozen treetops, and squirrels spun in frantic circles across the hard dirt in an 11th hour nut-hunt. I … Continue reading Running Around in Circles

A Series of Minor Inconveniences: Paris-Rome-Potenza

“Dear passenger, this is to inform you that your flight with us tomorrow has been canceled. Thanks for your understanding. –The Alitalia team.” The email reached me during a break on my last gig in Paris. A warm Wednesday evening, I was standing outside the club, absorbing as many of the sights and smells as I … Continue reading A Series of Minor Inconveniences: Paris-Rome-Potenza

A Night at the Huchette

The Metro spat me out into the muted streetlights of the Place du Chatelet and I headed across the river. I’d been in Paris a week and had so far avoided the centre of town– the crowds are too young and the beer’s too expensive– but tonight was the grand reopening of one of the … Continue reading A Night at the Huchette

Will Someone Please Explain Florida to Me?

I’m the problem. It’s me. Florida is fine– they know what they’re doing, lumbering around blinding freeways in their hulking SUVs, eating their fried fish fillets, painting stuff beige, keepin’ it familiar. It’s just that I don’t get it. I try, really I do. I went down there with the best intentions, eager to spend … Continue reading Will Someone Please Explain Florida to Me?

The Strange New World of Actual Reality

Lately I’ve found myself attempting to withdraw from the digital world. This is part of a bigger effort to excuse myself from the modern world as a whole, and embark on some kind of timeless existence subsisting on wine and raw meat and entertaining myself by reading only the words I can scratch into the … Continue reading The Strange New World of Actual Reality

Snow Business

My blood doesn’t race at the sight of power tools, lumber leaves me cold, and aisles of assorted spanners and sprockets render me confused and enervated. We artistic types stand out in a crowd of burly determined men comparing socket sets and angle grinders, and believe me, singing Olivia Newton-John songs to yourself doesn’t help...